I am Ready
If I were to die tomorrow….
This idea came to me this morning. To dig deep and explore something brave. Was I willing to really contemplate this question? I set my timer for ten minutes and wrote without left-brain interruption. The following emerged:
If I were to die tomorrow, I think I would be okay. Wouldn’t I? I have lived a lot of years. I have experienced a great deal of personal growth, come to resolve many painful experiences that warped my early life. I learned to care for and love myself. To care for and love others. I have been able to express myself creatively, through the gifts of music, art, and writing. I have developed deep faith and trust in God, forged in the fire of severe depression, excruciating pain, privation, and existential loneliness.
I never fit into the world properly! The way others seemed to so effortlessly. But eventually I was able to outlast the childhood labels “bad,” “troubled,” “problem child,” “too sensitive,” “maladjusted.”
Over the years I managed to develop strength, courage, integrity, character, and a generous heart. I grabbed onto the clay of my beginnings and molded my life into something solid, beautiful, authentic, and worthy. I am not done yet. I am not perfect. I am not fully actualized. But I succeeded in creating something grounded from a very shaky foundation. I am proud of the work I have done to create a decent human being.
I trust in eternal life, so I don’t fear physical demise. It makes me sad to think my loved ones might suffer from my passing, but I would not feel sad for myself.
I see death as a victory of sorts. I made it through! For all the times I believed it was impossible to survive in this world, let alone thrive, I made it to the mountaintop of joy, scratching and clawing my way up from the valley of despair.
This is my singular accomplishment. And I am so grateful I achieved it. In case tomorrow is “the day.”
So much pain in this world, but so much beauty, too. I have felt it all. Deeply. I have no regrets. I have left no path I wanted to follow unexplored. Sure, there is always more one can do. But I don’t expect to have everything before I go. Life is a process, an unfolding. There is no final destination. I’m okay with that.
I feel free. Free from the unconscious robotic dutiful living we are programmed to live. Free from the enslavement of financial need, which constricts one’s ability to follow their rightful calling. Free from the self-loathing we are trained to accept. Free from religions’ definition of God, yet fully devoted to spiritual life and my ever-evolving understanding of God.
My life has been lived well. Not perfectly. Not without hurting others, or myself. But if tomorrow is the time, I can go with my head held high. I did not forsake my work. I embraced the struggle, even if I had to do it kicking and screaming. I never gave up trying to become healthy and whole.
I am old and wise. There is no fear. I trust Divine timing in all things. I surrender easily. For all the decades of suffering when I cried out “Why,” I see so clearly now I am one of the lucky ones. Several Dark Nights of the Soul guided me to a life full of sunshine.
Take me, Lord, when You will. I am ready when you are!